CG | Episode 026 | Tracy Mazuer - From Hollywood Exec to Farmers Market Artisan - “Walking away from a life that isn’t working”

Walking away from a life that isn’t working

EPISODE SUMMARY

4 time Emmy™ Nominated TV producer, and Write, Tracy Mazuer: From Hollywood Exec to Farmers Market Artisan - “Walking away from a life that isn’t working”

Have you ever found yourself looking around at your life and thinking, on paper you have everything you ever wanted and worked hard for but something still doesn’t feel quite right? 

Tracy Mazuer’s life is a powerful example of this - AND how we can begin to find our way back to our true calling - even in the midst of chaos and unhappiness. 

This is one of those episodes that has the power to change the trajectory of your whole life if you happen to be ready for what it is trying to tell you. If you suspect that there is a different, more fulfilling life whispering to you and you are ready to do some reflection, pay close attention to the end of this episode because, i have some homework that will help you begin to tease all this apart and start down your own path of returning to your truest self. 

After wanting to be a successful Hollywood producer as long as she could remember and fighting her way up the dysfunctional ranks of Hollywood, Tracy spent 25 years tearing her hair out in Hollywood as a television executive producer, writer, and director. From Bachelors and Bachelorettes to Deals and No Deals, from the Littlest of People to Biggest of Losers, from Millionaire Matchmakers to Long Lost Families, from A-list celebs to D-list and beyond, Tracy did it all. 

One day while immersed in the stress of producing one of her shows, Tracy realized that instead of tearing out what remained of her hair, she was going to try breathing and doodling on her desk calendar. And what it led to changed her life completely, forever. 

The trees that emerged in her doodles reflected exactly what she was feeling — chaos, frustration, with bits of light and joy. There were so many feelings packed into these doodled trees! And with the gusto familiar to any newly minted artist, Tracy tore it off of that desk calendar, brought it home, and stuck it on the fridge. Her husband immediately declared her a “Toddler Savant” and Tracy's foray into the forest took root. She's now officially left “the biz” and combines her storytelling skills with her illustrations to bring her art Trees Have Feelings - to life. 

Tracy is a vivacious, fierce, powerhouse of a human. A gentle giant. She shares with us how she came to know it was time to leave behind everything she worked so hard to build in Hollywood so that she could follow the quiet whisper of her trees. 

Trigger warning; Tracy references some sexual trauma that she has endured, it is brief and not graphic but all the same I wanted you to have a heads up on that. 

Perhaps my biggest takeaway from this episode is how art and creativity don’t stop pursuing us as long as it has gifts for us - and it always does. For most of Tracys life she felt she was not a ‘good’ artist  - she told us herself all through school she couldn't draw the way she wanted to draw or sculpt the way she wanted to sculpt. Doodling found her in the midst of the trauma she was going through as a young child and stayed with her for many years. And it came back to her in the midst of the chaos, stress and turmoil in a job she hated but had worked so hard to earn. In fact from where i sit, it certainly seems that doodling saved her life. It turned up in her office that day and helped walk her out of a life that may have been slowly killing her and into a life of healing, joy and fulfillment with her trees. 

Tracy’s story of ‘making it’ as a producer in Hollywood and then realizing she hated it is one that perhaps many of us can relate to. It can feel almost impossible to look at everything you have invested into your career or relationship or even a community and friendships and realize that while they are exactly what you thought you wanted, in reality, they just aren’t quite right for you. So many of us would rather (and often do) ignore these pangs - which is totally understandable - dismantling our lives is counter intuitive. We may be dealing with inner narratives like ‘I should be grateful for everything I have’ or ‘this is just how my life is meant to be’ or what about all that time/money/effort I spent to get here. And then there are the fears about what will happen when we tear it all down - will we have enough money? Will we be alone forever? Will your family and friends think we’re crazy? It can feel like we are going crazy. But the truth is the crazy thing is staying in a life that does not fit, bring you joy, bring out the best in you or most importantly help you bring the gifts you were born to bring out into the world. 

How is it that we set ourselves down certain life paths if they are not what we truly want? Recognizing how we have done this in the past helps us recognize when we are doing it again and helps us to avoid venturing too far down a path that is not ours. 

The journey into these new unknown places can be a scary one, often filled with uncertainty - and vulnerability - but more and more i am seeing that those who choose to listen to that small quiet voice inside, nudging us, softly nagging at us and follow it where it is guiding them, seem to consistently be rewarded with a calm, serene fulfillment that i think we are all ultimately looking for. 

THINGS TRACY & I TALK ABOUT

• Why we sometimes make life choices that do not reflect what our hearts truly want
• The traits she had to develop to survive the toxic Hollywood environment
• The deep healing art has provided her even though her whole life she felt she couldn’t draw things she wanted to draw or sculpt things she wanted to sculpt. The darkness that came out of her in her dark art brought her so much joy because she knew it was finally coming up and out of her
• How collage (which had found her in school and came looking for her again when she went into therapy)  finding her in her 40s lead to some a profound healing of deep emotional wounds
• I got the chills when she told me about how the trees came out of her sketches in her miserable Hollywood office. Full of colour and light in the midst of anger and chaos and toxicity 
• How she believed for her whole life, that when something really good happened that meant the bottom would soon fall out -  and how the trees helped her heal that belief. 
• How she thought that if she really let herself explore the part of herself that was making and enjoying her art so much, that it would suddenly stop. 

RESOURCES DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE

• Electric Light Orchestra
• The People Show
• University of Kansas Journalism
• The Home Show- ABC
• Good morning America - ABC
• Playing it straight  - Fox TV
• Brene Brown
• Glennon Doyle
• Elizabeth Gilbert
• Episodes (tv show) 

ABOUT

Tracy Mazuer spent 25 years of her life tearing her hair out in Hollywood as a television executive producer, writer, and director. From Bachelors and Bachelorettes to Deals and No Deals, from the Littlest of People to Biggest of Losers, from Millionaire Matchmakers to Long Lost Families, from A-list celebs to D-list and beyond, Tracy’s run the gamut. 

One recent and fateful day, while producing yet another unwieldy show, Tracy realized that instead of tearing out what remained of her hair, she would take breaks, breathe, and doodle on her desk calendar. 

Tracy holds a Bachelors degree in Journalism and a Masters in Education where she studied the effects of autobiographical writing with urban youth.

She's been married for 34-years to her college sweetheart — that guy who called her the Toddler Savant. They live with their two rescue-mutts, LizzieBelly and Hazelnut, in Bellingham, Washington. They have a son who is an artist in Seattle. 

 Tracy Mazuer website | facebook | instagram

Kate Shepherd: art | website | instagram

Morning Moon Nature Jewelry | website |  instagram

Creative Genius Podcast | website | instagram

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Tracy Mazuer 0:01
So there, we have all worked together with old magazines, and children's rounded scissors and a glue stick. And I took off, I still have that art, it means the world to me, what I created with having no concept, and then working through it with an art therapist was the most life changing experience for me. And that was the only art that I did. And I wanted to do that. And right that was that was it. And that art gave me so much joy. And it was so dark. It still is dark. And I love it

Kate Shepherd 0:51
hello there lovely one. How are you? couple episodes ago, I asked you to tell me what you do while you're listening to the show. And I wanted to share with you some of the answers that came in because they really made me so happy. Some of you wrote in that you like to garden or you're in your studio, a very dear friend wrote in to say that she listens while she's volunteering at a pet shelter. And that listening to the show helps her work through some stuff that she's got going on. Personally right now, I wanted to let you know that it really means a lot to me when you write in and tell me that stuff. Because it is a one way this feels like I'm speaking into the microphone, but I feel like I don't get to hear you back enough. And so when you leave me reviews, or when you send me direct messages or emails, it really makes my day. And so thank you for writing in to let me know what you're doing while you're listening to the show. And if you want to write in with a little message for me, you can either send me a direct message through Instagram at the creative genius podcast or at Kate Shepherd creative sh E P H, E R D, or you can also use the contact form on my website over at Kate Shepherd creative.com. And of course, please send me a message in the form of a review on Apple podcasts, you just go over to the podcast show page, scroll to the bottom, leave your stars and leave a review. And I'll get messages in any of those ways. And it would make me so happy to hear from you. And today I want to give you the challenge to send the show to somebody that you really care about somebody that you know has creativity in them that may be struggling to let it out or just who comes up for you while you're listening to the show. If you I think there will be somebody that pops into your heart throughout the show. And I I like to believe that that's a sign that you're supposed to send that person a link to the show. And maybe just tell them what you liked about listening to it. And from what I'm hearing from listeners. Listening to this show. Some of these interviews can have a profound effect on the trajectory of someone's life. Sometimes you just hear the right thing at the right time. And it's enough to help you decide to take the plunge and change the entire direction of your life and the show today our guest today. It's exactly about that it's exactly about burning your life down. No matter how terrifying that might seem. Even though maybe you've invested your decades and decades of your life to building it. When you realize that it isn't the right life for you. Before I tell you too much about Tracy major our guest today I wanted to read you a review that came in from Ruthie Goss day. And she writes, I just discovered this podcast and I love it. Kate is so open, honest, kind and thoughtful. And she has really wonderful guests. This is the perfect podcast to listen to while I'm in my studio and need encouragement and inspiration. And Ruthie, thank you for taking the time to share that review. In Apple podcasts. It really helps us with the algorithm behind the scenes at Apple podcasts. When they're figuring out which podcasts to deliver up to listeners, you know which ones are being listened to, and which ones people are liking. When you give the show some stars and give it a review, it really helps me to realize that what I'm doing here matters. And so, to all of you who have left a review, thank you and to all of you who are just about to leave review. Thank you too. I really, really appreciate it. The theme of today's show is all about what happens when you look around your life and you realize that on paper, you have everything you ever yearn for everything that you ever worked really, really hard for. And yet somehow something doesn't feel quite right. It's kind of a devastating realization to come to. Because well I don't want to say kind of it's an absolutely devastating realization to come to. And if you're lucky enough to come to that kind of realization, that means that there's something bigger for you in your life and So while yes, the idea of dismantling everything you've worked really hard for everything that you've invested in, might seem crazy and terrifying. The thing that's calling you to do that is ultimately trying to bring you to something even better than you could have imagined even when you were daydreaming about all the things that you wanted in the first place. And Tracy measures life is a powerful example of this. And I want to acknowledge going in her bravery, and her authenticity. She's so raw. She's so honest, she's so candid for telling her story because it helps us realize how we can all begin to find our way back to our true calling, even in the midst of chaos and unhappiness. Tracy wanted to be a successful Hollywood producer as long as she could remember. She fought her way up the dysfunctional ranks of Hollywood, she paid her dues. She spent 25 years, tearing her hair out in Hollywood as a television executive producer, writer and director from bachelors and bachelorettes to deals and no deals. From the littlest of people to the biggest of losers. From millionaire matchmakers to long lost families, from ALA celebs to delist and beyond. Tracy did it all. About one day, while immersed in the stress of producing one of her shows Tracy realized that instead of tearing out what remained of her hair, she was going to try something else. She was going to try breathing in doodling on her desk calendar. Doodling is something that she'd done as a child. And it just came to her to do that when she did this. It actually led her to completely changing her life forever. And she'll tell us all about that the trees that emerged in her doodle that day expressed exactly what she was feeling, the chaos, the frustration, and also the bits of light and joy. There were so many feelings packed into these doodle trees that were coming out of her. And with a gusto familiar to any newly minted artists. Tracy tore it off that desk calendar, brought it home and stuck it to her fridge, where her husband immediately declared her a toddler savant. And Tracy's foray into the forest took route. She has now officially left the biz, and now combines her storytelling skills with her illustration skills to bring her art, which she's called trees have feelings to life. Tracy is a vivacious fierce powerhouse of a human, a gentle giant. She shares with us how she came to know it was time to leave behind everything she had worked so hard to build in Hollywood, so that she could follow this quiet whisper of these trees. My love's This is one of those episodes that has the power to change the trajectory of your whole entire life. If you happen to be ready for what it's trying to tell you. If you suspect that there is a different, more fulfilling life was bring to you a purpose a calling. And you're ready to do some reflection. Hang in there. Because at the end of the show, I have some homework that will help you begin to tease this all apart and start down your own path of returning to your own truest self. Before we get into the show, I do want to let you know, a little bit of a trigger warning, Tracy references some sexual trauma that she has endured. It's brief and not graphic. But at the same time, I wanted you to be prepared. Get your Kleenex, get your journal and your favorite pen snuggle up somewhere comfortable and settle in for this beautiful, inspiring, wonderful conversation with Tracy measure. Tracy, thank you for coming. Yay. I'm excited.

I'm so glad to have you here. I went well, we i Let's just tell everybody how we met. We you are a listener of the show. And you reached out. And we I feel like we just hit it off right away. And so we went into a zoom call to hang out. Yeah, at the end of that call. I was like, Oh man, why were we recording that? That was beautiful. So here we are.

Tracy Mazuer 9:01
Yay. And actually, we met because one of my a customer told me asked me if I had ever heard this pot, a podcast, and it was changing her life. And she told me, we looked it up right there so I could get it. And then saw that my friend Sheila Darcy had been on. I'm like, This is crazy. Magic. Crazy magic.

Kate Shepherd 9:30
There's so much music surrounding this show that I hear stories like that more and more. And I'm, I used to be like, Wow, and I'm like, yeah, that that. That fits that tracks. That's of course that's about right. Of

Tracy Mazuer 9:41
course that would of course that would happen. That's how Yeah, that's how it came to be.

Kate Shepherd 9:46
Oh, I'm so well. I'm so glad you're here. And for anybody who's just joining us today. I like to at the beginning of the show just sort of go over again. why we're having this conversation. You know, the show is called creative genius. Is it Do I think I'm a genius do I think my good Esther's a genius. No, I think everybody has this magical intelligence inside them that I could think of as a genius. And I have seen firsthand how humanity is glitching, because we've become really disconnected from this amazing entity intelligence life that lives inside of us. And really, because of a bunch of really limiting beliefs that we've kind of collected and perpetuate over the years, what creativity is, who it's for, who's allowed to claim it for themselves and their lives, and who can access it and what it has to look like. So what's the end result of you decided to be brave enough to tap into your creativity? Now you have to deal with well, what is what I'm producing look like? And is it good enough for the rest of the world, and most of us have just decided to sort of shut down because we feel this immense pressure to get it right, get this thing, right. And so we're sort of frightened to ultimately express what's really inside of us the magic of what makes us us. And so I'm on a mission to help as many people as I can, through these conversations with people like you remember what is true about creativity, which is that we all have it in us. And I believe and feel very strongly that learning how to access it is probably the most important, the single most important thing we can do, both in our own lives, but also for humanity. You know, I feel like that's if we don't address that. There's, there's no point in anything else, the rest of it. So that's where we're coming from today. And as I said earlier, it's a delight to have you on the show. It was such I love how we met. And when we had that first conversation together, I was so struck and impressed by what you shared with me, which is how you left behind a very, very successful career as a Hollywood TV producer. I mean, you worked on shows like The Bachelor or the Bachelorette, biggest loser. I mean, there's a huge there's, I can't even I'm not gonna read them. All right now there's a massive list of things that you've worked on, that everybody knows what they are, and that are amazing projects. I can't even imagine how much fun some of those must have been to work on. But you left it all to follow your heart. And I want to get into that in a minute. But I wondered if you might start us off by just sort of telling us. How did you get into that work? How did you know when you were little? Oh, I'm going to be a I'm going to be a Hollywood TV producer. Did you always know that? That's what you want to do?

Tracy Mazuer 12:32
Yes, the short answer is yes, my parents were divorced. But my father was a producer and director in New York and Los Angeles. And so he would come you know, my parents got divorced when I was six, but all I ever wanted to be was like my, like my dad, I want to be like my dad. And but I grew up in Kansas City, Missouri and and so while I wasn't living in those worlds, I did get to experience a little bit of it with my dad when I was a teenager. And I got the bug because he was doing shows and I had one like two week period that I got to go with him and and travel and I didn't get to see my dad often he was always too busy. Blah, blah, blah. And but that time that I did get to go with him was for a show called The people show based on the magazine. This is way back this in the 70s and I was 15. And I got to as I've always just called it The Clacker I got to collect the board and say you know it here we are and go

Kate Shepherd 13:52
click and black and white thing with the NADA Oh, you

Tracy Mazuer 13:57
know, I still don't wait 30 years later, I don't even the slate a slate. Now now the slates are now the slates are digital, but it was the old days of clacking it and and once I did that, and I he paid me $25 For the work I did it was in an ELO concert, Electric Light Orchestra concert back in the heyday. And I got to go with him as he was directing this whole backstage thing. I mean, I was it was very cool. I was I was 15 and so i i When I was 15. I looked like I was nine, right? So it's like but I thought I was just the coolest thing on the planet. And then flash forward. I went to the University of Kansas. So I was a Midwestern girl. I mean, I'd been there since I was eight, eight years old. And so I went to the University of Kansas and I studied journalism because I was always I was always writing poetry and Creative Writing are the things I could excel in. School where I wasn't excelling in any other area in school. And so that was my that was my world. And but I still knew that I always wanted to be a TV producer, director, and again, it was my it was about my dad. Sadly, my dad is not was not a great dad. But nevertheless, I think, you know, just he was the one who left. So I wanted to, I wanted him. And I wanted him to love me in a way that he could relate to that I knew that I would have him. So I had started working radio in Kansas City. And so that was, you know, it was kind of in that vein, but ironically, no one would hire me in television in Kansas City because I only had a journalism degree. I didn't have a broadcast degree. I was like, okay, whatever. So, I did get some help from my dad. I definitely use nepotism. And I'm like, Well, you know, Can I curse on here?

Kate Shepherd 16:06
Yeah, I think so. Okay, hope that's okay, everybody,

Tracy Mazuer 16:09
I'll say, I'll just say I just said Fu, um, to everybody can't see you won't hire me all go, I'll go to Hollywood. And I did I hit I, I managed to get a job. But a friend of my dad's hired me. And he said, I can get you the meeting, only you can get the job and only you can keep it. And that was at ABC television in Hollywood. And it was so great, because I got to leave Kansas City where they wouldn't hire me at the ABC station, you know, the little station in Kansas City. So I'm like, fu I'm going to ABC in Hollywood. I'm going on national on you people. And I did I started out as a researcher on a show called The Home show at ABC, which followed Good Morning America. Ironically, my dad had done Good Morning America with the guy who was now my new boss at at this show. And I was just a baby, but I loved it. And I worked my ass off. And I stayed. And I kept getting promoted. And I worked really, really hard. I stayed there for several years. And it was really neat. You know, it was my great. It was a live show, and national live show following Good Morning America every day. It's very hard. And, um, but I knew and everybody said, if you can make it on the show and not get fired, you couldn't do anything if you couldn't make it on the show. And I made it. And then I stayed I went into daytime television more in the talk show world. Then when reality television came in, I made the leap to get into reality television in the early days when it was still actually a sociological experiment with

Kate Shepherd 17:58
people. What was the first What was that first show that you were doing? Well, the

Tracy Mazuer 18:02
first, the first reality show that I did was I kind of becomes a blur because we're all freelance. So we're just hopping from show to show to show it. And at the time, when I was at ABC, that was a staff job, like I had a job job. But then after that, it was freelance for almost the rest of my career. The first show I did, I think it was a show called playing straight playing straight for Fox. And it was a really great sociological experiment at that time, too long to go into it ended up not airing, which is normal and sad when you put in 20 hour days, you know, and it with no days off. Then from there, I just kept moving in, in the reality space. And that's when I went to after that I went to the bachelor bachelorette and I did the the early days of the after the final rose studio bass shows because that's where my expertise had been. And also, because I'd been in talk shows for so long, so my studio as opposed to being out in the in, you know, doing a show that takes place in the house and where the control room is, you know, in the garage or whatever. I did come from Studio and live and so when they did the first live, bachelor, women tell all one of those and it was live and so they brought me in because of my experience and then they just kept me at that company that did the bachelor so I stayed there for probably three, three years and did a bunch of reality there and but then it just you know, it's it's a really it's a really hard field and it's definitely hard. And at that time even more so it was it's hard for women, it's hard to be taken seriously. It's hard when you're a carry Any person. And even and I did game shows and dating shows dating shows were probably some of the most fun. But still I was even when I was climbing the ladder and became an executive producers, and you always still have people above you. And the general thing that would be my black mark would be that I cared too much about my staff, I cared more about my staff than I did the show. And to me, and this is way pre Brene, brown, and Glenn and Doyle and all and you know, and Elizabeth Gilbert, all of these amazing women who are helping us tell the truth about what the world needs, which is people who care, that, wait, I'm being punished in various ways for caring too much about my staff, and not enough about the show. But if my staff is cared for, if my staff is loyal to me, because I care, you get the best possible product you could ever get. So those and now, when I listen to the women who have helped me say, Oh, my God, all these years, I thought I was crazy, because I was, it would literally be she's fantastic. She's She's a great writer, she dubbed it a dependent Adesh indirection due to today, the one thing I'll say is that she really she is emotional. And she cares too much about her staff. And she worries too much about her staff. And especially, you know, on my last show, which was literally my last show, which was a corporate environment where I just want so much to say, You guys really need to hire Brene Brown, so that you can see that this male dominated, even though you know, the women, so many women and we're when you find the ones who aren't trying to destroy you on their way up, you cling to them. And I had I column by column, and I was claimed to. And I feel like that is the the ladder that we need, because the women who are ape, so many of the women who are able to get to the top have to be nasty, because that's what the men who are moving them. And that's the white men who are moving the white women.

Kate Shepherd 22:49
And and I imagine probably the sort of juggernaut of the history of that whole industry, right? It's almost like something regardless of whoever is coming in to take over the next relay race. You kind of inherit this culture and you sort of inherit Well, this is how it's always been done. And,

Tracy Mazuer 23:06
and this is yeah, and this is this is the only way. This is the way we do it.

Kate Shepherd 23:09
Do what so it's so strange because that world feels to me like it would be a playground for creativity. So how do you think creativity survives in that sort of environment? Or does it not? Is it all

Tracy Mazuer 23:25
but I don't think that it does no. And I can only speak from the what's called unscripted, which is the most ironic term now. But unscripted, television shows. I can't, I'm addicted to TV. I love television. I'm not ashamed to say that I stream I love, but I love everything that is scripted by talented people. But in the world that I was in, where it's more of the the it's the reality shows, it's the day time stuff. It's, there's, there's limited creativity. Have you ever seen the show episodes?

Kate Shepherd 24:12
Ah, yes. I love that.

Tracy Mazuer 24:14
It's so onpoint that it's so onpoint because that's really how it is. It's like if you recall it, and if you haven't seen episodes, it is so it is funny, but it's so real. My husband was watching with me and he's not in the business, but he's lived with me all these years, right? He's like, Oh my god, this is exactly what you would come home saying, but it's a parody version of it. And it would be the director of comedy sitting at the at the conference room table and she'd be like, That's not funny. All right. That's what you're really dealing with. Because if you if you have something and a network or whatever this the they only seem to understand. It's you have to phrase things like, Okay, I have an idea and it's survivor meets the bachelor, then they go, okay, that's been done. So then you do what they did on that. And then you do what they did on that, and then you put it together. Yeah, that's what we're doing. But we thought we would do one more thing that makes it brand Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that, you know, it's like, the creativity, right. And so the creativity, just, it's only what people know, not what they don't know, which, and it isn't things

Kate Shepherd 25:38
that's a lot more like rational mind to me. Which is because I think of sort of creative, I think of humans as having these two sort of pillars. One is, you know, a rational mind, which goes back through the filing cabinet and finds all the things from the past and projects a predictable future and says, Okay, we're gonna, this our plans were going to do very useful for when you're going to build a bridge, and you need to make sure it doesn't fall down, or you need to build a house to make sure doesn't collapse, not so useful when you're trying to like, play and create new things. And so it sounds to me like that world that you were in was a lot more. Yeah. Did you find yourself ever developing sort of traits that didn't feel like you to survive in that?

Tracy Mazuer 26:19
What were Oh, yeah, yeah. And I, and I really noticed them now. You know, because I'm able, I've been out now for three years. So I'm able to now reflect back. People don't no matter what business you're in, there will always be people just trying to make your life miserable for no apparent reason. And when you're, you know, when you're deep in something, and you can't see out of it, I know, when I look back, that I had to conform to what the people above me, were requiring of me. If I appeared, quote, too soft, then I would be penalized. And penalize means maybe you don't get that next show, maybe you don't, you know, so you have to show them that you're an asshole. And that you can be. So it's a it's complex, because I was known for firing a lot of people. But I also make decisions very quickly. And the shows only last for a very short amount of time. So when you start, the budgets only let you go three months, and you have to do you know, you have to build 10 Mountains in that time, that you have to make quick decisions. So those are things that I could do. But if you only have three months, to build three mountains, and you only have six people to do it, you don't have any choice but to cut people loose fast. If they can't make it. You don't have time to teach, or help and to mentor. But the short answer is I look back, and I didn't like who I was becoming, especially in the end. Because I was then showing real emotion through anger. I could negotiate my way through this by being sweet, which is what they still expect you to be if you're a woman, because we know we know we know that if you're strong, you're a bitch if you men are aggressive women are bitchy. We know this. And so it's there's a there's just a big bright spotlight on you when you're being pushed to the brink. And you finally blow and I was pushed to the brink and I blew.

Kate Shepherd 28:51
When did you know you had to get out? Was there was it a moment? Do you remember? Was there a moment where like,

Tracy Mazuer 28:58
I can but I have an NDA, so I can't disclose it, which is also hilarious that it's like because if I said what actually was happening, you would say oh my god, that's ridiculous. Of course that shouldn't have happened yet. I took the brunt of it.

Kate Shepherd 29:15
This episode of creative genius is brought to you by mourning Moon nature jewelry. Instantly familiar yet unlike anything you've ever owned. This extraordinary handcrafted heirloom jewelry is famous for its incredible detail of actual textures from nature. Get 15% off your first order and feel the Wonder use coupon code creative genius at love morning mood.com You got to a place where were your internal compass was like, yeah, no, I don't care how much fun I had. I don't care. You know how great and exciting and wonderful and how much success I created. I actually can't reconcile. You know what I feel I have to be I have to be to be in this world to be here. Hear. So in that whole time as you were coming in, and as you know, I'm just imagining, like I want to go back to sort of you as a little girl, I also have a parent who was was not present at will I have two parents who are not present, but one, you know, father who was really, you know, not around and I can understand that wanting to be in his world. And so you you did it, though you entered his world you lived in his world. What else was going on for you? Was there another creative side of you that was trying to get your attention? If you look back? Can you can you see that?

Tracy Mazuer 30:33
Yeah, that's such a good question. I'm, I knew I could write. And I also had gone through intense trauma as a child. And like so many of us. The other part of me that was emerging, was writing autobiographical writing, working with kids with autobiographical writing, in the beginning, because I was working with when I could on hiatuses, and such from, from shows I could work with, with kids. And that was my, like, high school kids that was like, my, my love still is. But instead of me writing, I would help them write their autobiographical stories. And then it was like, wait a minute, maybe I need to work on maybe I need to actually practice what I'm preaching about how this can be life changing, right? So I started just for my own personal edification and my own exploration into my particular trauma. I started writing memoir, because I had, I have no memory of being at home, really, with my mom and stepfather, let alone my father before that. They divorced when I was 13. My mom and my stepfather, I had no memory of that time being at home with them. And so that was a big, literally a black hole. I just thought everybody had it until I got older and went to therapy and was like, That's not normal. And then, in combination with that, I put myself into treatment center for sexual abuse and rape when I was like, 40, probably like, so. Because I've been dealing with that. And I've been an intense therapy, I still needed more. And so when I put myself in treatment, which I've never actually shared openly, because because I was ashamed of it, I guess, I don't know. And now I'm like, I want to tell the world because we have to do what we have to do to heal. And when I put myself in, I was given an art therapist. I was in heaven. I'm in a psychiatric unit of a hospital that specializes in sexual abuse and rape. Frankly, it was me and like seven social workers, if that tells you like, they were all in treatment with me, they weren't there as social workers, they were there in treatment. And you know, we couldn't have scissors. I wasn't suicidal, thank God, I did not have suicidal ideation. But everyone had to be saved. So there, we all work together with old magazines, and children's rounded scissors and glue stick. And I took off, I still have that art. It means the world to me, what I created with having no concept, and then working through it with an art therapist was the most life changing experience for me. And that was the only art that I did. And I wanted to do that. And right that was that was it. And that art gave me so much joy. And it was so dark. It still is dark. And I love it. People will go oh my god that's so dark and put it on Instagram. Oh my god that's so dark. I'm like, it makes me so happy. The darkest of the dark makes me so happy. And then the memoir writing which was also dark, gave me such joy and what a contract. Diction is very confusing.

Kate Shepherd 34:38
Yeah, what's happening there? Why does it I'm trying to understand what you know.

Tracy Mazuer 34:44
I'm sure therapists could tell us right now. I think for me it was accessing the pain and getting it out in a way that pleased my eye and maybe my ear like so. For the memoir and for the art, it was looking at what I went through. And making collage, which is completely just an unconscious experience. You know, I'm not planning I'm not looking through, say I want it to look like this. It's just these images that come together. And I'm like, This is how I must have felt. Oh. And I continued when I was done with treatment, I continued with art therapy for a little bit. Frankly, I even though I lived in LA, I couldn't find a good art therapist. Now, fortunately, it's becoming a bit de rigueur for like, people are becoming art therapists. So that just lit me up from within, even though it's really dark.

Kate Shepherd 35:52
So it's almost like, yeah, that part of you that went through those experiences was there all along? It was that thing that's watching, right that I was thinking about that thing, that's what's peering out of my eyes right now, is the same thing that was peering out of my eyes. When I was born, the moment I was born, when I was three, when I was five, and I was 10. There's that thing, that quiet thing has been with me all along and has tracked everything and watched everything. But some of these experiences don't get to get put away properly, because and I talked to, there's a previous episode where I talked to a woman named Dr. Cheryl Eret, she actually is in LA. And she works with a lot of actors and screenwriters and producer creatives in that field around accessing creativity. And she talked about how when we have these traumatic experiences, it's almost like we they're not digested for, they're too big to digest. And so they end up just sort of sitting in our gut, and we carry them around. And that's why they're so uncomfortable and painful and mess us up. And so this art therapy can can be a way for us to go back and read live. And your brain has a chance when it's not in fight or flight to say, Yeah, ha, okay, that's what this is. Let's put that over there. And that's what this is. And let's put that over there. And it can actually put things away so that it's and digest them. So that it's not in our it's not in us anymore. So it was that the first time that you so you didn't do art as a kid.

Tracy Mazuer 37:14
Um, I liked art, but I was never a good artist. And I was always I was a doodler, all through school. But nothing ever came from a doodle like I would try to make like, even you know, we could make the little square boxes. And you could draw the little tiny lines to build a house, you know, make a little house like I couldn't even make the house with the chimney. And so I could never really draw, but I could doodle and my doodles would come out all colorful and any but just on my notebook. Then my mom when I was in elementary school got me the doodle art, which came in a tube. And it's a big poster that was massively detailed designs. And she got me a big beautiful marker set. And so I would spend hours and days and years on those. And so the doodle art like I could color in, and that was my joy. I mean, I had them all the way until I met my husband. And even in our 20s, we would sit down and try to finish my doodle art from when I was in like the eighth grade, because it just is endless. And so I had that. And I loved being an art class. But I was always disappointed because I couldn't draw things I wanted to draw or sculpt things I wanted to sculpt my brain didn't seem to want to go there and other people could do it better. And then I'd be disappointed. And so in my world, it really wasn't until collage and that's in my 40s I'm 58 Now, when I discovered collage, it's going to be dark, painful. I love it. It speaks to me. And that would be just my hobby. And then I would continue and television till I died.

Kate Shepherd 39:05
So you you were still working in TV. You dour during this. So when was the so after the collage and the discovery of that part of you and that joy in that release? When was it after that, that you were like, Oh, I have to get out. I have to make this change.

Tracy Mazuer 39:19
It was quite a while although I had known that I would need to get out of television sooner than later because the quality of television and just the people and just I knew it was going to end it's not kind to women that are getting older, you know? So I knew that I'd have to get out. So in my 40s I went and got my master's in education because then I'd like okay, well I'll just go teach writing to high school kids. College kids, dude, I love like Community College. Kids, like, Give me those teens and young people and I can teach English and writing and so I went and got my master's. If I'd known that I'd be where I am now. I could have saved a crapload of money. I just paid off my masters, like a year ago. So, but I have it, I'm proud of it. But that's what I was going to do. So when I was when I could no longer take television, because we know we'd have to leave LA, because you can't afford to live there. Unless you're, you know, killing yourself trying to earn every dollar you can to pay for your mortgage, that where could I go and teach and where could my husband go, and we could get our regular jobs, you know, and so none of this was in the plan. It was, during my, my last several shows, so I'd say the last for probably three to four years, in the end of my TV time. So let's say that's eight years ago, the shows the quality was just getting so bad, and I was becoming stronger, me, I was becoming stronger. And I would stand up for what I believed in. And you know, and people don't like that. And, and so the more I went in that direction, the heavier prices I had to pay, I think you hit like 50. And you're like, you know what, when I hit 40, I didn't really I started caring a little less, by the time I hit 50, I'm like, I have a lot to say, and you want to push me go ahead because I'm not afraid of you anymore. And once I stopped, like, I'm not afraid of you, you can't hurt me, nobody can hurt you. I'm not afraid of you. I don't care who you are, don't I'm not afraid of you. And then I was like, I'm gonna have to go. Because they don't like it. Of course, of course. And so that was the thing that I just knew that I I would need, I would need to leave at some point,

Kate Shepherd 41:43
you had this plan that it was going to be teaching. And then now maybe tell us a little bit about what you're doing now, because I love what you're doing now. And I want everybody to know how you just took such a 90 degree and now who you are and how did that so crazy

Tracy Mazuer 41:58
because on my last show, I had it tight I was executive producer, I had a tiny group of people that were my like heart people like people who just understood me, the stress around me was getting to the it was from the ridiculous to the sublime. It was absolutely ludicrous what was going on. To calm myself down. I always had a bucket of flare markers like the staples flare markers in a bucket on my desk and my big desk calendar. And the way that my brain works. And I did this through grad school, too. It's been a long time since I've been in school, I realized that if I put things in color, and if I kind of doodle could be a circles and whatever Tic Tac Toe boards colored in that I could remember where that was either on my notebook or whatever I needed to do, I could remember things if they had something unique. Even in grad school, I would use the big sticky notes, the giant wall sticky notes, and I would collage stuff. So if I was working with a concept of epistemology among the you know, the feminist movement, like I'm like, these words are making my head explode. But I could cut something out, glue it, put some color with it. And then I would remember, oh, that's what a pistol. Feminist epistemology means. I could remember where it was. So in TV, because there are so many things that have to happen to make one show come together, right? I would just without thinking, I just use different colors. And so I could remember oh yeah, I needed to do XY and Z. But this time, I just started doodling like enraged doodling on my desk calendar, the staples, big giant thing. Enraged, the people who understood me could come into my office, and we'd have a meeting I'd say guys, I'm going to do it all but I'm completely paying attention again, because there's so much psychosis swirling around over here. I'm doodling but I'm completely and they knew they knew me. Doodle doodle doodle. And the doodle was very dark is very dark because I still have it it's the centerpiece of my whole world now. Very dark. Then, without any thing conscious nothing conscious. When I stood back after maybe several days of just doing this this scratching on the paper with crappy flare markers. From this darkness came these trees full of color and full of light. And it gives me chills just saying it. It makes me like emotional because

I had no concept that they were coming out on this crappy staples calendar. I tore it off. I took it home. I said Look honey, look what I did work, because I was hating work. Look what I did honey might put it on On the refrigerator with magnets, and said, tada, here it is my day at work. And he's like, Wow, you're a toddler savant. It's like you're a toddler savant. It looked like a two year old, had gone bananas. And these beautiful trees came. I didn't think anything was beautiful about it. Because there's TV show notes in the back, and I had spilled something on it. And but those trees came, and I'd go to work the next day, and I would start doodling, and another tree would come like, another tree, another tree, another tree. And then I was like, Oh, hi, how are you? Oh, your name is Cheryl. Hi, Cheryl. What's your little story? Oh, you look very sad. And then I wrote a little story for Cheryl. And then Emma blue come for all these trees. And my husband is like, Oh, my, something's happening. I was planning on staying in this job. This in this show, because my best friend at work. Who was my co executive producer, she was basically one level underneath me, was battling breast cancer. And she had to be out. So I was staying until she came back. Well, because I didn't keep my mouth shut. I got myself fired. But the the trees kept coming. So my friend Abby, when I got fired, and she's still dealing with chemo and everything. She bought me she had seen my trees. And she bought me the domain trees have feelings.com and sent it to me in an email. And I was like, That is the funniest joke I have ever heard. You. I love you. You just wasted 1299 on Google domains. But I love you for this. And she's like, No, no, you need to do this. You your trees have feelings. I'm like, Okay, I love you go away. I love you go away. Another friend who didn't know her said, You're not gonna do the website, I'm gonna build it for you. And like, you can go away too. And then my husband John comes up behind like, we're doing this. I'm like, I hate all of you. I would be in tears. Like you guys, seriously, I love you. I can't do this. I'm not an artist go away. I have to I cannot do this. This is not happening. I will not be that person that goes and sits with a table at a at a farmers market or an art fair and says, Here's my art. I will not have people coming and going, ooh, look, she thinks she's an artist. I am not doing any of this not selling it, I'll give it away for free. I'm giving everything away for free. And this group of people kept getting bigger. And surrounding me and saying you're doing this, I cannot tell you how uncomfortable how. Because I didn't understand from whence they came. And I knew they'd be departing any minute. Because when something really good happens, that means the bottom is gonna fall out. Right? That's what trauma does. When something good is gonna happen. These trees will not stay because I can't draw trees. I can't draw anything. Then. The trees were relentless. They were relentless, like drawing, like a crazy person. I was drawing like a crazy person. And the stories. I mean, so fun, but it's like, nobody's gonna want my stories. Okay, you guys, if you insist that this is going to be a website, and it's going to be art, then it'll just be the trees because nobody's going to want my stupid stories. It won't make sense. They won't understand, you know, it's like, nobody's gonna connect. Like, this isn't gonna there's nothing here. And now. There's everything here.

Kate Shepherd 49:00
So what happened? I mean, I see so many of the things that I say to myself, I see so many of the things that so many of us say to ourselves all the time, all the stories we have about I'm not good enough, and I can't it's not real and it will leave if I I can't ever stop. I was talking to somebody that a while ago who she figured out how to hack her own creativity because she just felt like, oh my god, if it ever stops, it'll just go Yeah, I understand all those things. So what happened?

Tracy Mazuer 49:26
Somebody told me to read. Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic. I think you and I talked about this on our first high call. Big Magic. Yeah, hit every single thing for me. And I have the audio books. I like hearing her voice. She makes me calm. Me too. Thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert.

Kate Shepherd 49:47
Thank you. Thank you, who I've been trying to show by the way. So we're done. How many emails I get every week asking me to have her on the show. And I'm like friends, I'm trying. So if anyone's listening and can connect me to Live

Tracy Mazuer 50:00
were seven degrees of separation away from her. We got to get it down to one degree. That's right. Let's do it. That book. Um, my husband is an entrepreneur, and has been our whole marriage. 36 years later, he's fearless. I appear to be fearless because I could be a big shot in TV, right I could get I was an executive producer. I was the jailer, the I couldn't be fearless. That was someone else's stuff. That was someone else's project that I was a hired gun for. And then I can go in. This was me. And this is the raus version of me. Because what is all this joy? There's a lot of sadness in the trees as well. But what is this? We left in and said we're going to Bellingham. And we're going to start this business. The trees kept coming. I think it was them. They just refuse to leave me, even though I was trying desperately to leave them because I didn't, I was leaving me. Because I didn't believe in myself hearing over and over big magic. When creativity. And that idea comes through. You either grab it, or you catch that tiger by the tail, or it will go on to the next person.

Kate Shepherd 51:17
It has to has to because its job is to come to life and its job and so it's not personal. It's like okay, you are you ready? No, not yet. Okay, are you? Are you ready? Will you be my mom? Do you remember that book? Remember that book? Will you be my mom? Well? Yeah, I was like a Dr. Seuss. Yeah.

Tracy Mazuer 51:32
Are you my mother? Are you my mother? Yeah. Are you my mother? Are you my mother and the dog? Yeah. And it wasn't until the book spelled that out for me in her magical way of oh, this concept needs to be realized. Or it will go to someone else. And now when I see people, because I do do those markets, where I said I will never do them because I will not be that vulnerable. And I am not an artist. And I will cry because no one will want to see my art and won't understand it. Now. It's the people I meet. And we were in COVID for two years. So we were in a vacuum with just an online store. And with prints, nothing else really prints. And I would tell myself, if somebody when they ordered something, I'd be like, well, of course they got it and they hated it, you know. So now I'm not going out and doing this anywhere else. And then I did my first market and seeing people come in and go, Oh my God. I've never seen anything like this before. Oh my God, look at this. This is how I feel. I'm like, Oh, they Oh, men coming in to this whimsical, break colorful, everything I do is on white. And really it was only because that's the only thing I knew how to do. Then the trees, I had some breakthroughs with a tree called she wept. That is just people come and burst into tears. It is the most beautiful, magical gift that I've been given. And I I don't feel like I'm in my own body. When that happens. Because the trees came through me I am the vehicle and the gratitude that I feel for them is beyond measure. And when I stand in, we had a little 10 by 10 booth and I stand there and still look around like I just want to cry because I don't understand it. I am humbled by and people say really like three Could you come draw the oak in my yard, the oak tree in my yard? I'm like a, I couldn't identify an oak tree B, I can't draw a real tree. And they're like, of course you can think, no, these are the trees that need. They're coming through that that's what's happening. And then then a couple of birds arrived. And now Raven arrived with a whole story. And they come when I sleep. And it's taken, it took me until I could be in front of people connecting with the work and sharing in it not as I the creator of it, but i The person who understands it, and another person who understands it. And we get to cry and hug like if had had three of us three women and we're all just crying like we're having therapy in a little booth. You know, it's like when two or more in in, you know, in any of the 12 steps when two or more people come together. It's a meeting. There's two or three of us and it's like we need Kleenex like I only have paper towels but people share when men come in, look at the art and get teary. I'm like there's hope. There's hope in the world. We need each other and we need art and we need each other. And the fact that I get you'd be here making these connections and little kids. Oh my god, I go crazy little kids come in. It baffles me, it scares me, it has been very difficult for me to believe in myself to believe that I'm an artist to say I'm an artist, because I feel like an artist too, doesn't know how to draw. I drew Raven, she's back here. And I'm scared to keep going. Because I don't know how I did it. And I'm afraid she won't come back because I don't control it. And since I can't answer to that, because that's bigger than I am, I get stuck and confused. And then I listened to podcasts, like yours, and I read books, to refuel, to feel like, okay, okay, this is normal. This is normal.

Kate Shepherd 55:46
And if they've already shown you that they're not going to leave, they're not going to leave, I want to ask you, you may may be able to, or may not be able to, if you could, for a minute, just sort of stop and feel into the energy of the trees, like I can feel that there are a group, I can feel that they're there this it's almost like this family of people have come to help you. I don't like this guardian angels. That's kind of what I'm feeling when I listened to you. If you could ask them. What they came here to tell you. Why did they come here? What are they trying to give you?

Tracy Mazuer 56:20
It's amazing, because I have to look away a bit to think about this, because it's hard. It's so emotional. When I look at the art that I began in treatment, when I look at how dark that is, and what I continued to do through out the years, and notice it was another artist that shared this with me because I'm like, I don't understand what's happening. And he said, You're like an album. It's your a side and you're beside the darkness and the light. I was like I see that's the literal two sides of the same coin. I get it. The trees are everything that is my future. And the darkness is everything. That was my past. And now I'm finally free to live in the bright color, whimsy, joy, comedy, tears, sadness, but all with bright swash swishes of color. That is the gift that the trees have brought. It's a whole other life and the authentic me where I we toss it around so much now Oh, live authentically this, you know, my best life whatever. When I was in television, I had to be tough, and smart and funny and talented. And I had to have a big ass facade on the trees are just 1,000% me. I am so ready for it. I wouldn't have been ready for it 10 years ago, so the trees have freed me, totally freed me.

Kate Shepherd 58:09
That's amazing. I feel like that and that is the gift that creativity has for us. And it's amazing to just watch you talk about and you've had collage with you your whole this whole time you had doodling with you. Those things were there with you, kind of quietly were whispering and they waited for their moment to pounce and to say okay, and then they brought other I mean they they brought your husband and they brought your friend and I mean they there's such an intelligence at work that's holding us and taking care of us.

Tracy Mazuer 58:37
And I finally know, I finally know that and feel it and the depth of feeling something this much bigger than I am. It just it's amazing.

Kate Shepherd 58:48
I'm so happy for me too.

Tracy Mazuer 58:50
I'm grateful for you.

Kate Shepherd 58:51
I want to I want to tell you something that's gonna seem like a little bit of a sharp turn. But I don't know if you know that in addition to my paintings, my career over the last 15 years has been jewelry and I make things from trees. And for actually for a long time I was really scared to admit that nature talked to me like I could hear the little cedar branch would whisper to me I need you to make me into a pair of earrings I need people to wear me so that they can access my power I have the power to help clear negativity and heal old wounds and help you be strong like these things would. So I'd go for a walk in the woods and this leaf I would see it from like 100 feet away and I'd have to go get it and I would be screaming at me to bring it back to my studio and make it into this jewelry and for a long time. I was like I cannot admit this out loud. People are gonna think I'm a nut so I just kind of made pretty jewelry for a long time and it did really well and blah blah blah. And then recently it started asking me to that the group of them so like the cedar branches and the fern fronds and the salon leaves and sand dollars like they all kind of came together as a group and they were like listen, can you make us into a collection that helps to celebrate people's birth months because there's birthstone jewelry from way back when and but we really want to help people Have a new way more meaningful, deeper way of connecting with nature and having a talisman or like a superpower. I'm telling you all that because I would like to know when your birthday is so that I can send you your birth element because there do that. So when what month were you born in August 21?

Tracy Mazuer 1:00:19
Okay, I'm a Leo only child, baby. I'm a wreck. Only child and a Leo love it.

Kate Shepherd 1:00:28
So are you are your birth element is okay. When? Okay. It's a b it is. It's a B, yeah. So, okay, so if you go to love Morning, noon.com. And you look in the navigation for birth element. Yeah. And people listening, you can actually go and find your birth ailment. Yours is, but we have a really beautiful bee pendant. And I'll after the show will

Tracy Mazuer 1:00:50
Oh my god, I'm so excited. I love love, love that maybe a bee needs to arrive in my forest.

Kate Shepherd 1:00:56
Well, there will be a be arriving to you very soon. What

Tracy Mazuer 1:00:58
are our words? What are their words today? Okay,

Kate Shepherd 1:01:01
so, so this happens sometimes, you know, I've gotten really good at listening to that. inner voice. That's that's the intuition that yes, no this that, you know, I'm very good at hearing it. And so today when I pulled the first word, there was this feeling of sort of, oh, incompleteness. So I needed to pull a second word. And this this has happened before. There's at least one or two other episodes where I've had to pull two words. So today, the first word was inspiration. It felt right. And then I pulled the second word, and it was presence, which together, they just felt like I knew they weren't our words, for today. Yeah, so those are words and actually on. On that note, I wanted to know if given those two words and everything else we've talked about, if you could go back and talk to 10 year old Tracy and tell her tell her about all of this and how it was all going to work out and how and how the trees would eventually find you and, and just off, but you could only tell her one thing.

Tracy Mazuer 1:01:59
What would you be squid? I have always had the most difficult time connecting with my little girl inner child. And that would be something my therapist of 25 years would tell you. That is the hardest thing.

So I think I would I think I would tell her I think I would use the word inspiration

to tell her that she has a most amazing, I'm going to steal your words of most amazing creative genius. In her that will save her life.

Kate Shepherd 1:02:46
Yeah. Now she does. It's true. She sure does. Yeah. And, you know, for for the person who's listening to this right now who's thinking? Do I have that in me? And can I, you know, make can I burn my life down that I built that isn't working? And can I trust that there's this? I just I want you to know that there is you have this in YouTube, this isn't something that certain people get chosen to have. And some people get left out like it is in every single one of us. Yeah. There is another there's the billboard question. You know, are you crazy? Okay,

Tracy Mazuer 1:03:29
I know. I know you do.

Kate Shepherd 1:03:31
Okay, so let's do it. If you had a billboard that every person in the world who longed to be an artist, but just believed these things, believed all these things we're talking about? Not good enough. I'm not creative enough. I got left out it didn't I was not there that day when they were handing out the creative packet or whatever. What would you put on the Billboard but he

Tracy Mazuer 1:03:49
didn't thought about this in advance because it's something that comes up all the time now in my booth, as I say, because I do markets every weekend. So many people come up and say exactly that. And it's what I've heard here with you on the pocket right like that. People come up. I don't have a creative I can draw a stick figure. I can't I can't can't. And what I say and what I would put on the billboard is just doodle.

Kate Shepherd 1:04:15
Just doodle. That's so safe, isn't it? Yeah, that's such a safe and everybody

Tracy Mazuer 1:04:19
can doodle. Everybody can doodle.

Kate Shepherd 1:04:23
Can we put it can we put a picture of she wept in the show? Sure. Sure. Sure. Okay, I'll work with you about that after the show. We'll get that organized and where can people go to find you online and to find out about you what's the best place to find you?

Tracy Mazuer 1:04:35
I have my own website. Everything is trees have feelings. Thank you Abby Smith, for getting me that domain because now we as I thought she was crazy. And I laughed ha ha ha now we've trademarked it and so trees. Trees have feelings.com And then I'm on Instagram and Facebook. Everything is a tree He's have feelings. If anybody's up in the Pacific Northwest, that's where I am and where we go and do our markets. But we can we ship all over the country, and we're learning how to get stuff into Canada.

Kate Shepherd 1:05:13
Well, I'm going to put links to all of that in the show notes. And thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your amazing story with JK and for saying yes to everybody, even though you wanted everybody to go away, including them. Because it's so important that they're here and that you're here doing it and sharing it. And

Tracy Mazuer 1:05:30
thank you, Kate Shepherd.

Kate Shepherd 1:05:33
Wow, right. My big takeaway from this episode is how creativity doesn't ever stop pursuing us, as long as it has gifts for us and it always has gifts for us. For most of Tracy's life, she believed she wasn't a good artist. She told herself that all the way through school, I still think she catches herself telling herself that today, yet, doodling found her in the times that she needed it the most when she was going through trauma and chaos and stress, both as a young child, and then later as an adult in a job that she had worked so hard to create, but actually hated. It certainly seems like doodling saved Tracy's life multiple times. When it turned up in her office that day, it walked out of a life that may have been slowly killing her, and into a life of healing, joy, and fulfillment. Tracy story of making it in a career that was really hard to get, and she worked so hard to create, only to realize she hated it is one that I think many of us can relate to. And it can feel almost impossible to look at everything you've invested into your career, or relationship or even your community and friendships and realize they're not exactly quite right for you. So many of us would rather and often do ignore these paintings that life gives us, which is totally understandable. dismantling our lives, especially when we've invested so much into creating them. It's kind of counterintuitive, we may find ourselves dealing with inner narratives like I should be grateful for everything I have. Or this is just how life is meant to be. Or what about all the time and money and effort I spent to get here. What about that? And then there can be fears about what will happen after we tear it all down? Will we have enough money? Will we be alone forever? Will our friends and family think we've gone crazy? Will we have gone crazy? It can feel like we are going crazy during a process like this. But the truth is, the crazy thing is staying in a life that doesn't fit a life that doesn't bring you joy, or bring out the best in you are most importantly, staying in a life that doesn't help you bring out the gifts you were born to bring out and into this world. So how is it that we set ourselves down a path that isn't what we want or need. recognizing how we've done this in the past can help us recognize when we're doing it again. And it can help us avoid venturing too far down a path that isn't ours. So if you're feeling like perhaps you're on a path that isn't your highest and best path, and you're ready to do some reflection, I have some homework for you today. Go and grab your favorite pen and journal and get comfy, make a cup of tea or get a big cool glass of water. Take a few brave deep breaths. We're not writing anything in stone here. We're just exploring. And if there's a part of you that's resisting this good. That part of you did a lot of amazing work to get you where you are today. But it's time to politely and firmly ask that part to stand aside just for a few minutes. Give yourself 10 minutes and write freeform. Don't edit yourself. At the top of your page, write the question, what are the areas in my life that seem to always have little problems or complications? treat this like a brainstorming. And you don't have to take action on any of the things that come up. It's really just about having a good look around. What are the areas where life is kind of maybe trying to give you some subtle messages that you might be ignoring. And these often come in the form of inconveniences or difficulties or ongoing conflicts or frustrations that don't seem to go away things that keep you up at night problems that keep reoccurring things you keep fixing the keep breaking that kind of thing just to a big brainstorm and give yourself about 10 minutes. Don't let yourself think too much. Let the part of you who knows what it's trying to tell you have a voice and just let it speak for 10 minutes. Let it right through your hand sometimes in the journey to uncovering what we are really meant to be doing with our lives. We have to go through a process of finding out what isn't working. And this kind of exercise can really help you to do that. I see over and over again that those who choose to listen to that small quiet voice inside that's nudging us softly nagging at us to follow it seem to consistent they'd be rewarded with the calm serene filament that I think we're all ultimately looking for what would be available to you today if you started to be curious about what isn't working.

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